THE SEINFELD PURIM CHRONICLES


by Meish Goldish

 



 

Cast of Characters


Mordechai........................Jerry
Esther...................…........Elaine
King Achashverosh..….....Kramer
Haman.............................Newman
George.............................Himself


Prologue: A Shushan Nightclub

Mordechai: When you think about it, the whole Purim story is really
about nothing. After all, Purim means "lots." "Lots" means "plenty." And
everyone knows, "I got plenty of nothing." Of course, Megillas Esther
isn't the only book about nothing. In Ecclesiastes it says, "Everything is
nothing." If Shakespeare had written Ecclesiastes, he would have called it

"Much Ado About Nothing." But that's a different story.


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Scene 1: The
Royal Palace


(George enters, sees King Achashverosh)

George: Hey, K-Man. How's it going?

King: Terrible, George, terrible. Last night I threw a big party, and my
wife Vashti gave me the snub. Said she wanted to break up with me.
So I pulled a preemptive break-up. I told her, "Sorry, Vashti, but I'm
breaking up with you!" I had her beheaded.

George: Way to go, K-Man! You've got hand!

King: But now I've got no queen. I'm lonely, George, lonely!

George: Cheer up, Maestro. You're king of the castle! Master of your
domain! You've got the kavorka! Here's what you do: Hold a contest for a
new wife. Choose a woman with thick, lustrous, cascading hair. And

skin with a pinkish hue. Very important.

King: Giddyup!


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Scene 2: On the Street


(Haman approaches Mordechai.)

Mordechai: (sneering) Hello, Haman.

Haman: (sneering) Hello, Mordechai. I see you're not bowing down

to me again today.

Mordechai: That's right, Bubble Boy. You can forget the bow-down. I'm
not becoming Latvian Orthodox. And I'm not celebrating Festivus, either.
Anything you demand of me, I will do the opposite. And you might

consider losing that three-cornered hat.

Haman: Okay, Mordechai, that's it! No soup for you, little man! I'll
talk to the king, and yada yada yada, you and all your people will be
killed. The Jews will suffer significant shrinkage. Not that there's
anything wrong with that!

(Haman exits. George enters.)

George: Hey, Mordy, why so sad? Share, share.

Mordechai: It's Haman. He's a rabid anti-dentite. I hate him!

George: Got to hate the Haman. Can't stand him! Let's slip him a Mickey.

Mordechai: Forget Mickey! He wants me killed, Biff. If only he were
killed instead. We must plan…the Switch! But don't tell anyone!

George: Trust me, Mordy, it's in the vault.


************************************************************

Scene 3: Mordechai's Apartment


(Buzzer rings.)

Mordechai: Who is it?

Esther: It's me.

Mordechai: Come on up. (Esther enters.) Snapple?

Esther: Can't. It's the Fast of Esther. So, cousin Mordo, what's all
this about?

Mordechai: Haman is planning to kill all the Jews.

Esther: (pushing Mordechai away) Get out!

Mordechai: We've got to stop him, Esther. The king is interviewing for a
new queen today. You must apply!

Esther: But what if I don't get the enthusiastic "hi"?

Mordechai: You'll get it, you'll get it! You've got grace!

Esther: Let's just hope the king is sponge-worthy.


************************************************************

Scene 4: The King's Bedroom


(King Achashverosh paces.)

King: I can't sleep tonight! I'm flippin', I'm floppin'! And these
pretzels are making me thirsty! Guards, who's outside? (George enters.)
George, I'm thinking of redoing the whole palace in wood. With levels. By
the way, what should I do to honor someone special?

George: That's easy. Dress him in a puffy shirt and cotton Dockers, and
let him be ensconced in velvet. Then have him ride the royal pony once
owned by Jon Voight.

King: Yeeesss! And you'll pull the pony, George--for Mordechai!

George: Me? No, I've, uh, got a job interview that day with Vandelay
Industries. As a latex salesman. (snaps fingers) I know! Let Haman pull
the pony!

King: Giddyup!


************************************************************

Scene 5: The
Royal Palace


(Esther appears before the king.)

King: It's my beautiful new wife! Helloooo! Talk to meeee! I just signed a
decree to kill all the Jews. Keep the pen. Now, how may I help you,
uh...Mulva?

Esther: That's Esther, you hipster doofus! I'm inviting you and Haman

to a meal at the coffee shop.

King: How about soup at Mendy's?

Esther: Soup isn't really a meal. We'll have the big salad, risotto,
calzones, chocolate babka, muffin tops, apple pie, the black-and-white
cookie, Junior Mints, Pez, Jujyfruits, Snickers, salsa, seltzer, paella,
and a marble rye. Plus coffee, which doesn't really mean coffee.

King: Giddyup!


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Scene 6: The Coffee Shop


(The King, Haman, Esther, and George sit.)

King: So then it hits me: A bakery where you make your own
hamantashen--with poppy filling! I'll call it "Poppies."

Esther: Yeah, that's great, King. But someone at this table wants to
kill all my people. He even built gallows to hang my cousin Mordechai.

King: Who would build such a thing? He is a veddy, veddy bad man!

George: Don't look at me, baby. I only pretend to be an architect.

Haman: It's not you, George, it's me. (on his knees) Please, King
Achashverosh! I'll be your butler! I'll do anything! Just don't kill
independent Haman! Spare my life!

King: I can't! I won't! The K-Man hates the Hay-man! Now you must

swing from your own gallows.

Haman: But--but...those gallows aren't real. They're fake!

Esther: No way, Haman! They're real, and they're spectacular!

Haman: Fine, kill me. But don't hurt my ten sons! My boys need a house!
Serenity now, serenity now! (Mordechai enters.) Hello, Mordechai. Thanks

to you, I'll be swinging from the gallows.

Mordechai: That's a shame. I guess that'll make you a bit of a high
talker.


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Epilogue: A Shushan Nightclub

Mordechai: If you ask me, Megillas Esther should really be called
Megillas Mordechai. After all, Mordechai is really the take-charge
guy. He's like Superman, and Esther is Lois Lane. Haman is Lex Luthor,
Achashverosh is Perry White, and George is Jimmy Olsen. Lois may

be cute, but Superman does all the leg work. Except, of course, when

he's flying. Superman is the true hero of Purim. The man in the cape.

The only way Lois equals him is that they both wear tights.